You know, we're all full of piss and vinegar at Dick Cheney for not talking to the press after his little hunting accident... when are we going to hear from God about all the religious insanity going on? The least he could do is a couple minutes on CSPAN or something. Maybe he can do a few minutes with Brit Hume. Bear with me here...
(cue dramatic music with FOX News logo swoop-in; fade into Hume's smiling mug overlaid with BRIT HUME: SPECIAL REPORT; cut to live shot of Hume with spectral being in adjacent seat)
Brit Hume: Most High, thanks for coming on the show.
God: My pleasure.
BH: I'm honored that you chose this forum to be your first public appearance in some time.
Gd: Well Brit, I wouldn't have come to you if I wanted a softball interview. (both laugh)
BH: Some on the left might disagree...
Gd: Sour grapes.
BH: Fair enough. Let's start with the first thing on the minds of many Americans in the wake of recent events... Do you really choose to act through George Bush?
BH: (baffled pause) Yes? That's it?
BH: So... then the Christian Right is justified?
BH: No kidding? Could I go so far as to say that Ralph Reed is, as he often suggests, your anointed representative...
Gd: On Earth? Yes.
BH: Well... that...
Gd: BAAAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHA! (slaps knee) Had ya going there, didn't I?
BH: I uh... yes you sure did, Holiness...
Gd: You gullible fool. Of *course* I'm not acting through that twerp in the Oval Office. I have no idea what the hell he's talking about half the time, but I can assure you, nothing he's done has ever been cleared through me personally. In fact, I wish he'd stop using my name.
BH: I see. Who are your chosen people, if any? Christians? Jews? Muslims?
Gd: I don't associate with any of them en masse. I tend to work with individuals.
Gd: Well, I like the sick and the lame and the poor in spirit. The persecuted, the disenfranchised, the ignored. The forgotten... I dig the forgotten. I keep them close by. Atheists, agnostics too. Brave people. They dare defy me, it's enough to distract me from my usual business with planets elsewhere in the universe. I like a peon with chutzpah.
Gd: Excuse me?
BH: Your position on queer activists? Gay marriage? You yourself said it was an abomination...
Gd: Yeah, and I also said be nice to your slaves, don't eat lobster, and a guy has to marry his brother's widow or pay a fine of one shoe. I've had my low points... this was a long time ago. Look, as long as people love one another and take care of my creations, I'm not gonna rock the boat. Dear friend of mine said something about casting stones... good stuff.
BH: Satan? Does he rule this world?
Gd: He's manifested as Rove, thought you knew that...
BH: (chuckles) What about Osama bin Laden?
Gd: I know where he is, but I won't tell ya! Neener neener.
BH: That could be construed as being un-American.
Gd: It's no skin off my rosy ethereal nose.
BH: Right. Lord, I'd like to bring on conservative columnist Ann Coulter.... Ann? Any comments?
AC: Who is this liberal a-hole?! I mean, come on, Brit... if I wanted to spar with a wimp, I would've taken on Michael Dukakis on steroids with one hand tied behind myZZZZZZAP
BH: Ann? Ann? We seem to have lost our connection.
Gd: Nah, I fried the bitch. Next question? My time is short.
BH: Ah... um... regarding Katrina. There's been criticism, Master, that the Bush administration wasn't prepared to deal with the damage caused by the hurricane, what they attributed to an "act of God"...
Gd: Now why in my name would I just haphazardly wipe out a city like New Orleans for (BEEP)s and giggles? That had nothing to do with me. I set things in motion way back when, I have nothing to do now with the ins and outs of Earth's weather systems. I like... er, liked, Nawlins. Lots of good friends down there. I was just as ripped up as the next guy about what happened... and I was as pissed with the government's slow reaction. I saw it coming though, but I don't think I was alone... most people knew it was going to be bad.
BH: Critics might wonder why you didn't do more to intervene...
Gd: Intervene? How often do you see me meddling in world affairs these days? I gave that crap up a long time ago.
BH: Lord, I'd like to bring in no-spin conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly... Bill?
BO: (on knees, head bowed) Dear Lord, thank ye for thine precious time, I know ye have...
Gd: Get up, idiot. Jeezus... how pathetic. You (BEEP) on grieving mothers and idealistic young people, but you cower before a glowing orb. What an (BEEP).
BO: Oh... sorry.
BH: Bill, you heard the Creator just say that he had nothing to do with Katrina, any thoughts?
BO: First off, I have to say that I'm greatly relieved that you even exist. I had my doubts when I was...
Gd: Shoving the vibrator up your ass? Gimme a break, you sick freak. Begone...
BO: But IZZZZZAP
BH: Must you do that?
Gd: Someone had to. I think we're done here, anything else?
BH: One final question with the short time we have... any words to the faithful out there, your flock?
Gd: Flock? Don't be a dork.
BH: Fair enough. Any last words to our viewers?
Gd: Yup. (clears throat... then thunders with rage) WAKE UP!
BH: Oh, my.
Gd: There's a big universe out there and you're missing the party. I don't give two hoots about all the religions and interpretations and the holy this and holy that and mystic this, mystic that blah blah blah. Stop expecting me to show up and straighten it all out! I've got my hands full with other things. Snap out of it and move on. That is all.
BH: God, thank you very much for doing this. Ladies and gentlemen, God... his book, the Bible, number one bestseller of all time, is on sale at bookstores near you...
Gd: Bonx that collection of old codswallop. I like Hunter Thompson and Mark Twain. Love Python. They're all "in the ballpark," so to speak. Not perfect, mind you, but who is? Aside from me, of course...
BH: And with that, good night.